In this podcast (episode #314) and blog, I talk about how over-explaining and over-sharing can be trauma responses, and how they impact the way we function. Posted: August 05, 2022. It happens little by little. Continue reading with a Scientific American subscription. Trauma can either be physical or emotional. Often times, it stems from traumatic experiences early on in life, as I described in last months article. Many types of therapy can support mind and body healing after trauma. Managing your finances can be really stressful, especially with so much going on these days! You work so hard to offer that compassion to others why not offer that to yourself? This urge consumes your mind every minute of every day. Behavioural reactions to trauma. For example, you may have unwanted thoughts of the trauma and find yourself unable to get rid of them. When a trauma response is activated, the person might explode in rage (fight), withdraw (flight), or they might get very quiet, still, and internal, almost like they've "disappeared" (freeze). As mentioned above, the four types of trauma responses are: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And sometimes even though its hard accepting additional support can positively affect both your mental and physical health. Sam Dylan Finch is the mental health and chronic conditions editor at Healthline. This is especially true of childhood trauma. We are all familiar with the fight or flight response, but there are actually four main trauma responses, which are categorized as "the four F's of trauma": fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Discover world-changing science. It can be the result of negative events or circumstances that have shaped who you are and what you believe, either consciously or unconsciously. You find yourself compromising your values. If you find that you're struggling to recover from your trauma, don't hesitate to seek professional help. It resonated with so many you, and since then, Ive gotten a lot of questions on how to recognize this type of response in ourselves, particularly in our day-to-day interactions. Learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others. OCD-based hyper-responsibility involves feeling responsible for others all of the time. 8. Sometimes oversharing is also the result of a misguided attempt to gain sympathy. It's another example of "Monday morning quarterbacking"second guessing split-second decisions made under a high degree of stress. Full-Time. PostedSeptember 7, 2016 If you enjoylistening to my podcast, please consider leaving a 5-star review and subscribing. A therapist can help you unpack some of that childhood trauma and angst. Not sure if your stress levels are healthy? Reminding yourself of times you did assert a boundary, and how things didnt end up as badly as you expected them to be. 1. While the actual experience probably felt like a nightmare, it's common for real nightmares to haunt our dreams in the aftermath of a trauma. A trauma response is the reflexive use of over-adaptive coping mechanisms in the real or perceived presence of a trauma event, according to trauma therapist Cynthia M.A. You might make a lot of excuses for the lousy behavior of other people, defaulting to self-blame. This response is paralyzing. Trauma. Meanwhile, youre silently dreading the mountain of favors youve signed up for a list that only seems to get longer as the day wears on. When we experience any kind of trauma, we can respond to the threat in various ways to cope. The individual usually rushes to please the perpetrator to avoid conflict and in hopes of diffusing a situation. Continually thinking about what happened. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Out-of-network ATM withdrawal fees apply except at Moneypass ATM in a 7-Eleven location and at any Allpoint or Visa Plus Alliance ATM. There was nothing threatening about my friend or his movement but it set off an alarm because my brain interpreted it as matching the movement of my assailant. 15. You stop thinking, stop moving, and, in some cases, stop breathing. Remember that life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. You might be doing this to keep yourself safe, which could be a sign that you have a toxic thought tree that is dominating your thinking, and the root system is some sort of abusive relationship that happened in your past. 4. These four types of trauma responses can manifest in different ways for different people. For example, we might avoid TV shows that remind us of the event. Confiding in people who care about us is invaluable as our minds and bodies heal. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I decided to speak about this topic because of the many responses I got to a social media post I recently put up: Over-explaining is a common trauma response for those who were often made to feel at fault as a child. But heres the twist: being overly responsible isnt just the realm of control freaks or earnest Eagle Scouts. 2. You might get angry, only to feel like an . This is a coping mechanism of individuals who grew up in less than ideal environments where they used pleasing people as a way of coping or surviving in that environment. You could be thinking out loud, or have had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and need more words to explain yourself. Stress is something we all face. You see, I have a past where I have been hurt many times. Its the opposite of shirking responsibility by pointing fingers or making excuses. Sadness. Feeling Numb. You will probably get triggered easily and react in anger, raise your voice or use force like a bully to feel more powerful than others. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event. Fawning often requires that we shut down emotionally. This is called a "trauma response trigger." Your conscious mind did not see a threat, but your body remembered the trauma from the day before, and your subconscious mind decided to kick in to protect you from the threat. 14. Examples of sources of trauma can include: Many are familiar with the idea of fight, flight, or freeze responses along with the fawn response that can happen when the body senses danger. Sometimes this can lead to dissociating, where we disconnect emotionally. If you have a hard time saying no to others, setting and enforcing boundaries, or feeling unsettled about your own identity, this article may be for you. 1. 21. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Sign Up For A Free Mindfulness Resource & Get The Latest News in Mental Health! According to counselor and author Dr. Joanne Frederick, hyper-independence shows up as a perspective of I versus we. This can look like: Hyper-independence can be related to a past trauma. I remember thinking after getting mugged that if I'd been a more intimidating presence that my wife and I wouldn't have been targetedwhich ignored, of course, the fact that he had a gun. Taking responsibility is a show of empathy. Flashbacks are upsetting because they bring back a powerful flood of emotions and vivid memories of the trauma. We need an outlet for our emotions, but having emotions can be sooo off-putting, right? After all, our most recent experience of the world is as a very threatening place. 2 . Its disempowering, it stems from pain, and guilt is simply not an effective way of motivating people to unpack their trauma and show up differently for the people they care about. But when he simply asked, only 9% of the travelers acquiesced. Many people find that the mind returns over and over to the upsetting memory, almost as if on a loop. It comes in many forms and differs across contexts, from work-related or financial stress, to social problems, to new life changes, to internal experiences. The answera little of both. Fight Trauma Response. You could also be trying to keep the peace, and over-explain as a result. It makes perfect sense that we would be afraid after something scary happened. In fact, a discussion of these reactions is part of Prolonged Exposure therapy, the best-tested treatment for PTSD. The important thing here is mind-management; learn to self-regulate your responses and how you process how other people react to you, and adjust accordingly. But there are ways to manage flashbacks. If you find yourself refusing help even when receiving help would make things much simpler for you you could be operating from a place of trauma through a response known as hyper-independence. This is the mind-management system I have developed over the past 38 years, and is based on my research and practice. The Role of Your Mind and Body in Coping With Trauma, "If only I'd left work a few minutes earlier. Then I learned about CPTSD. (Similar to owning the truth of being a trauma survivor, owning the powerlessness will help you move past trauma.) Emotional wounds take time to heal, and it is valid to have hesitations about being vulnerable after a trauma. As of January 2023, according to ZipRecruiter, the average salary for a trauma counselor is $81,543, with top earners (90th percentile) earning over $117,000 pear year. You can work on this by doing a 5-step Neurocycle over 63 days to uncover the root of the thought and work on rewiring your brain. When it comes to mental wellbeing, there are many little things we can do every day to help us feel less stressed and more at peace, and one of my favorite self-care practices is wearing a favorite item of clothing or jewelrysomething I know best expresses who I am and how I feel during the day. Perhaps we can think of a better reaction when we have hours or days to mull it over, but life is lived in real time. Once you understand that you will not like everyone, the same way not everyone will vibe with you if okay. Im going to share seven struggles that a lot of us seem to experience as people-pleasers. Fawning is a response or reaction to trauma where the goal is to please others and be others focused. A tiger metaphor by Steven Hayes seems . The nervous system has taken a major shock, and even in our sleeping hours the brain continues to process the event. My experience after the second event was very different since I had learned a lot about what to expect after a trauma, even if a person doesn't go on to develop PTSD. Sometimes we avoid people, places, or things related to our trauma because they trigger the painful memory. Get in touch with one of our counsellors today, and let us walk you through your healing journey. Loss of Interest in Sex. As with sleep, the brain may be inclined to avoid sexual activity following a trauma. 16. . by Hari Quoter. With time most people find that it becomes less painful to remember the trauma. When your nervous system is highly attuned for danger, it's going to be set to detect any possible threat, which probably means you'll have a lot of false alarms. In fact, research has shown that child trauma survivors may experience: Learning problems, including lower grades and more suspensions and expulsions. This is a truly chaotic way to live and unfortunately, a common response to trauma, abuse and mistreatment and a common theme underlying many mental health conditions and personality disorders. In addition to beating ourselves up for having experienced the trauma, we might also be upset with ourselves for being upset. Sometimes its benign things, like saying you dont have a preference for where you get dinner when you actually do. Sleep is a vulnerable state, and when the brain and body are revved up, we're likely to have a hard time sleeping. "Eating a lot. It can deeply affect your mood or increase anxiety if you dont receive that external validation. Trouble concentrating and sleeping. Oftentimes, children of immigrants take on a lot of responsibility at a young age. 4. 2. 48:00 You cannot please everyone, but the one person you should always prioritize is yourself! All the same, it's a common response after a trauma. Having an ongoing response to the trauma is normal. Overexplaining isn't always a trauma . That's their responsibility. This can involve isolated incidents like car accidents, assault, or recurring or generational events, such as ongoing abuse or racial discrimination. The sadness can also come from feeling overwhelmed by a world that feels terribly threatening. How do you overshare? In a nutshell, fawning is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others. For those who have been through" Weve all heard of the fight, flight, or freeze response in the face of trauma, but did you know that being a people pleaser can also be a trauma response? This biological response can manifest in mental and physical symptoms . Dr. Caroline Leaf Fawning happens when an individual goes out of their way to make others feel comfortable at the expense of their own needs, in hopes of avoiding conflict. Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel the full range of emotions and experiences. 3. Over-explaining means describing something to an excessive degree, whereas oversharing is the disclosure of an inappropriate amount of information and detail about your personal life. The effects of stress on sodium levels may vary from person to person. Stop taking on more than you can handle: A common reaction of anyone with a fawn response is to take on more than they can handle. When our responses put a strain on our mental health, relationships, or well-being, it may be time to learn new coping methods. Over-apologizing can also be a symptom of codependency, low self-esteem, and a tendency to avoid conflict even if it costs us repressing our true feelings and thoughts. I did this just recently when I was almost hit by a car, and immediately went to a place of wondering if Id simply misunderstood what happened. ", "I shouldn't have been out at that hour. During a traumatic experience - which we are defining as an event that overwhelms our nervous system - our brains and bodies kick into survival mode. The response members dedicated to finding and assisting trauma victims play a critical role as they carefully maneuver in and around the disaster scene, as well as outside the established perimeter. This can be difficult to notice at first. Savvy Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen offers four signs of over-responsibility, plus three ways to overcome it. O/S = Think of ways you tend to overshare. The training aimed to increase responder awareness of the impact that trauma can have in the communities where they work. My dad specifically would control how much I'd eat and shame me in front of everyone . In fact, one of the common reactions at some point following a trauma is post-traumatic growtha topic I'll pick up in a later post. Trauma can be pervasive, and because everyone is different, we work through trauma in varied ways. They're "so mature for their age" or "such old souls.". By Taking on these added responsibilities as a child can turn into codependence, and anxiety, and foster feelings of guilt when they attempt to leave the nest. Your hyper-independent traits may have developed to protect you from further harm. wrote about the fourth type of trauma response, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.. Were trying to anticipate someone elses happiness, because deep down, we feel responsible for it and are trying everything in our power to ensure that the people we care about arent disappointed. This is no time for sleeping!" If we feel that fawning is failing us in an argument, that it wont work with a particular person, or that we just dont know how to please someone, we might check out emotionally, or rely on other escapist mechanisms so that we no longer have to engage. 5. You can still seek the same support to unlearn behaviours that are no longer serving you and prioritize yourself. You struggle to feel seen by others. 17. When you feel inclined to push back against help, consider trying to determine why. It really means your brain is doing its job to protect you, although this knowledge doesn't make it any more comfortable to feel on edge all the time. It does get easier, though I can promise you that. Siadat, LCSW.The four trauma responses most commonly recognized are fight, flight, freeze, fawn, sometimes called the 4 Fs of trauma. The less we have distinct feelings of our own, the easier it is to adapt to and accommodate the emotions of other people. Difficulty Sleeping. Charlotte, NC. It is an involuntary urge to avoid disasters - all day long. By definition, a traumatic event is not a pleasant memory, so it makes sense that we would want to avoid thinking about it. A number of people have asked of fawning, Isnt this manipulative? But I think that misses the point. If you're a fawn type, you're likely very focused on showing up in in a way that makes those around you feel comfortable, and in more toxic relationships, to avoid conflict. You want to make those closest to you happy, which means youre reluctant to open up when youre struggling so you only do so when youre on the brink of totally breaking down, because youve held it all in for far too long. (Dont forget to tag me so I can see your posts!). Panic attacks - a type of fear response. Most people have intense responses immediately following, and often for several weeks or months after a traumatic event. I experienced a flashback months after my first traumaa violent muggingwhen a friend saw me walking down the street and changed direction to approach me. It could also be that you are a chattier person, especially when you feel you can contribute to the situation, and, once stimulated, you talk too much. Feeling Constantly On Guard. You might keep looking over your shoulder, or be constantly scanning your surroundings for threats. When the nervous system has had a terrifying shock, it doesn't immediately settle down. As a note, most trauma survivors tend to lean toward one stress . Support is not a one-size-fits-all, and its crucial to offer help in ways that will be helpful to them. Remember that requesting help doesnt say anything about your ability or overall independence. 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