And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help? Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! Like, there are healthy relationships where both people agree to certain situations where person A asks to be prompted to do X and person B does so. This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on! Did they worry when you left the house in a revealing outfit? 5. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Flee! Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). He is really good with computers and accounting. You also have the feeling that something must be wrong between you two because it feels like there are more bad days than good ones lately. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. You know what they do respond to? If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. But, don't nag him. I agree with the Captains scripts! Low self-esteem. You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! That's the last thing you should do. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! Finally I flat out refused. . And when Spouse or I are depressed, the other one will say Hey, lets go for a walk! And sometimes we go, and the Depressed One says I feel better. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. Excessively monitoring and correcting a partner (with the silent treatment, no less!) Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . ), how long would you live like this? That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. Alas, LWs BF appears to be one of them. Telling me I am not being logical. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. There is something intimate about sweating next to your partner. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. Has the boyfriend pulled out stories of other people who have similar problems and yet manage to be super-awesome-amazing-overachievers? We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. I also just wanted to reiterate, in case youre having difficulty with the argument but what if what hes doing helps me? We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. Initially, he nagged, but eventually he worked out that didnt help (because I told him so and he listened), and he stopped. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. Its still manipulation. I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. Encouragement works so much better than harping on all the ways you could be doing more. It Does. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. Im so frustrated that youre hurting, and that I cant do more to help your recovery. Reasonable. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. Even from a 5-year-old thats pretty immature. All the logical, reasonable, skeptical partners that the LWs describe are always trying to use their logic to make other people feel like crap about what they feel. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). Also *I* will be happy when youre skinny. Which . Hes interested in his version of you. I think thats a great suggestion. It didnt! What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. Absolutely. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! What could have turned him off about you in particular? He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. It also ties into one of the Captains ideas of spending time with your partner who has depression in the spirit of liking and wanting to spend time with them as a person, not a project. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. Helpful. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself. OK, so let us assume for a moment that your boyfriend is not actually a Raging Arsehole whos trying to create his own Stepford Girlfriend, and that he genuinely is trying to help you. At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. Would he be badgering you to give up therapy because you dont need it? He blocks me and ignores me. I wholeheartedly agree. We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. And who makes that clear to you. So much sympathy to the LW for trying to make this work on top of making themself happy. They are tools that we need to use precisely because we always have our biases clouding our judgment, and they help us cut through those to get to the essential facts. Honestly its tough. Not. Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good, even among bad choices. One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. If he can hear criticism and change his behavior accordingly, then maybe thats a partnership that can be forged. Basically, when my brain is yelling at me, but what if he gets worse?!? Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. I 100 million percent second this. That does not sound like respect. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. Or will. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. If nothing changes, then its time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). may I say something? Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? What did you just say to me? And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? A big part of the reason I gave up running for four years is how much it keyed up my anxiety about being good enough, being fast enough, and my shame about how much strength and speed Ive lost since high school. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). He no longer answers his phone as quickly as before. Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. Sometimes weve done well when he asks me what I think Im doing. When the passion is gone in a relationship it means the good stuff thats supposed to fuel you through the bad stuff is no longer there, meaning, theres simply no point in pretending I care if the girl has wacky opinions about something. Yes, exactly. You know who I turn that on? 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. until I stop caring. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. If your boyfriend has trouble talking about his feelings, try asking him if there's anything he'd like to talk about (within your relationship or just in general). Listen to his response and try to . This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. It sounds to me as if you have some clarity on what would be helpful to you. He is not interested in you. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. 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