But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. So why are you still with him? lemongrass It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. I dont think that is healthy. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Then offer a compromise. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. . As your history with him has shown, he likes spending The little things like who is taking the garbage out? If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Yeah, I agree with ron. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. John Rohan I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. hops the bus and goes straight home. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Yes, this. Some families really are just that close. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. I agree with you both. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. ForeverYoung , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. . They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). What should I do? Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. Thats a long ass time at home, no? I give up. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. GatorGirl Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. This is how children are taught. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Oh yeah I forgot about that. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. I agree with you. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. Your problem is thinking you can change him. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. muchachaenlaventana January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Years later, theyve never recovered. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. ?? January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. But, youre not single now. I can use a personal example as well. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Then you need a different boyfriend. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Friends of her own? Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Bklyn Grl OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. So make him choose. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. YES! And he was a bore. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. if you dont want there to be issues. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Come on, BGM! ReginaRey June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Who does that? And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). And if they live together. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. I agree. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. It sounds pretty nice, to me! If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. By the time What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Geocaching!!!! Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. You do like to see people you love, right? If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Share that with your boyfriend as well. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. Ergo, off to the parents home. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. GatorGirl June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. 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